


eventually, the sun gives way to the rain

by afflatus



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Bittersweet, Bittersweet Ending, Closure, M/M, breaking up, post breaking up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-13
Updated: 2018-10-13
Packaged: 2019-08-01 12:12:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,450
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16284404
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/afflatus/pseuds/afflatus
Summary: Lee Taeyong really should have seen it coming. All the text messages he sent were not replied and all his phone calls were unanswered for the past month. Perhaps, it is time to move on.





	eventually, the sun gives way to the rain

**Author's Note:**

> this story is inspired by camila cabello's consequences. listen to the song if you haven't because it's a really beautiful song. this story is written for myself because I need to let my feelings out. this story is dedicated to my first love, the one I handed my heart to only for it to crash. this story is dedicated to the person I once loved with the whole of my heart and yet that person would never look at me and only me. i'm in a better place now.
> 
> this story is for all of you out there who are struggling to move on. this story is for all of you out there who are still trying to heal. this story is for all of you out there who keep coming back to the person that keeps hurting you; you deserve better.
> 
> angst angst angst.

Perhaps, he should have seen it coming.

The signs have always been there; conversations gradually become awkward until only silence is left between them, hugs and kisses have slowly disappeared over time, fights have emerged more often than they usually did and insecurities have taken over his senses.

 _It’s only a bad day_ , he tells himself each time the person he loves the most in this whole wide world does not reply to his messages. _He’s busy_ , he convinces himself every time his first love does not pick up the phone. He tries so hard to justify his own boyfriend’s actions, ignoring all the sirens that have been blaring ever since the first time _he_ became distant. Yet all he has been doing is to fool himself into thinking that he is fine, that _they_ are fine.

But they are _not_ fine and will _never_ be fine again.

Taeyong closes his eyes as he wills himself not to cry. He does not want to spill any tears over someone who has hurt him so many times. He does not think that Yuta is worth crying over anymore. After everything that he has gone through because of him, Taeyong thinks he has cried enough.

He remembers the first time that they met when he first moved to Osaka. It was funny, really, because he was actually intimidated by Yuta. The latter had, _has_ , so many friends and he could casually diss everyone without meaning any harm behind his words. He is basically a social butterfly while Taeyong has always been on the quieter side.

Over time, his intimidation of Yuta changed into attraction instead, especially when the two of them got to know each other, taking things slow. Things got really hard for Taeyong when he found out that his parents had passed away in a car accident. It broke him and Yuta was there to keep him sane. He was there for Taeyong and Taeyong was really grateful for it. Eventually, he fell in love.

It was a beautiful kind of love, Taeyong admits. It started off as something mutual. They were sickeningly sweet and lovey-dovey with each other and all of their friends teased them so hard for it. “Get a room,” most of them would yell with no real bite in it. _Goals_ , they claimed. _You guys are goals_.

They put in mutual efforts in the relationship that they built and though this was not the first relationship Taeyong had ever been in, it was the first time he fell in love. How could he not when Yuta was so beautiful, charming and sweet? Taeyong built his walls up so high to the point that no one could break them down and yet Yuta managed to break through his walls easily due to his easy-going personality. It was almost pathetic, now that Taeyong thinks about it.

Loving Yuta felt _good_. For the first time in his whole life, Taeyong felt alive. With him, he felt safe and sound, like the sun had never gone down. Loving him made Taeyong feel an unfamiliar ache inside his heart, the good kind of ache. Loving Yuta took his breath away because he was so, so in love that he could barely breathe.

But loving Yuta had consequences.

The thing is, everyone in their group of friends knew that Yuta had always been in love with someone else. Taeyong knew it too but Yuta treated him well enough that he accepted the latter’s confession without much hesitation. It is possible to be in love with more than one person, after all, but it is your choice that matters, in Taeyong’s humble opinion. You can love someone else but you choose who you want to make it work with and Yuta chose _him_.

It was not easy to love someone who was desperately in love with someone else. Taeyong saw it sometimes; the flicker of pain that crossed Yuta’s face when the other person had intentionally hurt him with words or actions just to spite him. Yet the two of them were somehow _friends_. Taeyong knew that most of the sad quotes Yuta posted on his social media accounts were about _him_. He watched helplessly as the love of his life was hurting so badly and he got hurt, as a result.

They fought about it once. _No_ , Taeyong thinks to himself. _More_ than once. It was one of the fights that they had right before their relationship ended. He confronted Yuta about his feelings and the latter got really defensive over it all.

“ _Tell me, if you had the choice to be with someone, would you choose to be with me or him?_ ” Taeyong had spat out in a fit of anger before.

Yuta had kept quiet, not wanting to reply. Yet his silence said it all.

“ _It doesn’t matter_ ,” Yuta had responded after a while. “He _would never want to be with me._ He _would never choose me_.”

“ _That means you’d choose him_ ,” Taeyong had said bitterly as tears filled his eyes. It hurt. It still hurts, thinking about it now.

“ _No. Stop that. I’d choose you_.”

 _A lie_ , Taeyong knew. _What a fucking great lie_ , Taeyong thinks now.

“ _I know you love him more than you would ever love me_ ,” Taeyong had once stated during another one of their fights as tears streamed down his face, unable to take any more blows to his heart just because the person he was in love with had always been in love with someone else.

It was scary because Yuta did not get defensive this time around. Instead, he had tears in his eyes too. “ _More than you?_ ” he had chuckled bitterly. “ _I love him more than I had ever loved myself_.”

And _fuck_. Fuck because that shit hurt him to the core. Taeyong is unable to stop his tears from strolling down his cheeks now. All his memories are painful and he wishes that something could take his pain away. He could barely breathe because the hurt is getting too much.

“I’m sorry,” Yuta says and it hurts even more because Taeyong sees tears in his eyes too.

Taeyong should have really seen it coming because all of the text messages that have not been replied to and all the unanswered calls over the span of a month should have said it all. “You never loved me, did you?” he says quietly as he wipes his own tears.

“I did,” Yuta replies without any hesitation. “I loved you in a different way than I love him. It’s a different type of love. I still do. But right now, the two of us are hurting too much to be with each other. I can see how much my own pain has taken a toll on you and your heart. I don’t want that for you. Perhaps, one day, when the two of us have become better people, we’ll meet each other again. Maybe then, we would be happier than we are right now. Maybe then, we’ll be right for each other.”

“Perhaps,” Taeyong allows and says nothing else. What is there left to say? They have ended and as much as he wants to yell and cry his eyes out, there is nothing he could do about it. He does not think he could take it any much longer, either. “Have a nice life, Yuta,” he says softly before standing up and walking away, never looking back.

It is not easy, really. They share the same group of friends so they tend to meet sometimes. Eventually, Taeyong decides that he has had enough and so, he cuts everyone off except for Doyoung. He needs time and space in order to heal properly. He does not think he is able to move on if he keeps seeing Yuta around.

He resents Yuta a lot for all the times he has gotten hurt. He wonders to himself sometimes, _if you’ve been in love with someone else all along, why did you choose to be with me? Why did you make me think I had a chance? Why did you string me along and make me love you to the point of no return?_

Everything reminds him of Yuta and it is hurting him so much. He wishes he knows how to deal with the pain he feels. He still cries over Yuta sometimes and he wonders if he would ever be able to let his first love go. Maybe not.

Months pass by and he eventually falls in love again. Yet, he still remembers Yuta. He still feels the pain inside his heart and it is then he understands the different kind of love Yuta spoke about. He hates it all. Most importantly, he hates himself for doing the exact same thing Yuta did to him to the person he loves. So, he breaks it off.

One day, he hears news from Doyoung that Yuta is now dating the person he loves the most and Taeyong feels his own heart shatter into pieces. Perhaps, he has always known that the reason that _that person_ did not choose Yuta was because Taeyong was in the picture. Now that he is out of the way, they are happily dating. It hurts a lot and all Taeyong could do is feel the heartbreak.

Taeyong knows that he is not faultless. He did a lot of mistakes too during the whole of their relationship and he is paying for it every single day of his life. He wishes that he knows how to forgive himself.

Two years have passed by since they last saw each other and Taeyong thinks that he is in a better place now. He still remembers his ex at times but it does not hurt as much as it used to. He has come to accept that they are not meant to be. Besides, he writes a lot to express his feelings. One day, he wakes up and decides that he does not want to write about Yuta anymore so he writes his last piece:

 

_Somewhere along the way of chasing you, of constantly getting hurt, of wishing that you were mine and only mine, my feelings for you slowly died. Maybe because I grew tired of hoping for something that would never happen. Or maybe I had come to the realisation that there wasn’t any use in holding on to someone who wouldn’t ever look at me and only me._

_I hate to admit it but my heart still aches at the thought of you. When you cross my mind, I’d feel my own heart twist and turn and I wonder if you ever think of me, if you ever miss me, if you ever wish you could talk to me again. I wouldn’t say that I love you. No, not anymore. After everything that we’ve been through, after all the hell I went through, my love for you had faded. But even then, a part of me misses you._

_Maybe I just miss the feelings you used to give me. You were everything I had ever wanted. You were the storm that came and went. You were my pillar of support when there was no one left for me to depend on. You were the first person who had ever made me feel loved; like I was worth something. You were the one who made me feel so alive and believe that I was actually capable of love. You made me believe I wasn’t ruined._

_I have to admit that I was at my happiest when I was with you. I had never experienced so much joy in my life and it was blissful. Sometimes, I want to go back to those days just to feel free and elated again. When things get hard, I think of you and how you were always there to soothe me. When I felt weak, you were there to keep me going._

_I took a lot from you. Perhaps, that was why it was hard to move on. I held on to the good days and pushed the bad ones out of my head. I only want good memories of you so that it would hurt less. I put you on a pedestal and compared you to everyone else then deemed them as not good enough. They could never be you; they could never make me feel loved as much as you did._

_But the reality is, even though there were a lot of good days, I couldn’t deny that there were the ugly ones too. Times when we yelled at each other, snapped at each other and demanded each other to understand our respective point of views exist. And I was selfish. When it came to us, I put myself first before you. Maybe that was my mistake. And I really tried to understand you and your position but I wasn’t able to do so because I was blinded by my own pain, tears and selfishness._

_When it came to us, you were always the one apologising. I always ended up pinning the blame on you. I made myself seem like a victim, as if I didn’t do anything wrong. When it came to us, you were always at fault._

_And though it may be too late and you won’t ever hear these thoughts inside my head, I’m sorry. I truly am. For everything that I’ve done, for all the pain I caused you, for fucking with you, for all the tears I made you spill, I’m truly sorry._

_It wasn’t love. I think my love for you has been gone for a long time. It was just my attachment. I grew attached to the feelings you gave me, I craved for the love you offered to me and I wanted to relive what we had again. And that wasn’t love. Not at all._

_So, this is me to you, sincerely, from the bottom of my heart. I’ve always seen you as a wonderful person and that’s how you’ll remain in my eyes. You taught me a lot of things and I’m grateful to you for that. I’m sorry our promises of forever could not be fulfilled. Forever doesn’t exist; not for you and me. You’re probably happy now and I’m thankful for that. You gotta be much happier than you ever were. That would make leaving me worth it. One of us has got to live life happily, at least. And you are now. You’re happy with the person you love the most._

_And it took me a while to get rid of all my resentments towards you. But that doesn’t mean you couldn’t be happy._

_This will be the last time I write about you._

_I’ve suffered enough, haven’t I? I think I’ve punished myself enough for all the pain I caused others._

_And for the umpteenth time, I’ll truly let you go. I mean it._

_-you; the first person I’ve ever loved._

The time has come for Taeyong to move back to Seoul. He already spent three years in Osaka to pursue his studies and it is time for him to go back home. It has been so long since he last saw Yuta and he wants to meet his first love one last time before returning to South Korea. He wonders how Yuta is doing now. He just wants closure before he comes back to his hometown. He tells Doyoung about it and that is how he ends up in the same café they broke up in.

Taeyong meets up with Yuta again a month before his flight. He could feel his own heart pounding against his ribs and he takes in a deep breath to calm himself down.

“Hey,” Yuta greets him as soon as he arrives and he smiles.

Taeyong feels slightly taken aback because he does not feel prepared to meet the person he once loved with the whole of his heart again. Yuta still looks as good as before. “Hi,” he replies almost shyly.

They talk a lot. After all, they were friends first before lovers. They catch up with each other and Taeyong tells him about looking for someone to give his dog away to because he is leaving and he listens when Yuta talks about a concert he went to. It feels nice, familiar and peaceful. They exchange phone numbers and agree to remain in contact as long as Taeyong is still in Osaka.

They text often and agree to meet up a day before Taeyong’s flight.

A month passes by quickly and Taeyong finds himself at a park, sitting on a bench next to Yuta, a day before his flight. He feels heaviness settle down inside his heart and he lets out a soft sigh. It has been nice to spend time with his first love for a little while and now he has to move on for real.

“Doyoung told me not to let you go,” Yuta says quietly.

Taeyong turns his head to look at him quizzically.

“We broke up, you know. That person and I. It’s been a while, actually,” Yuta continues in a soft tone. “It’s for good, this time around.”

“What does that have to do with Doyoung telling you not to let me go?” Taeyong asks as his heart picks up the pace.

Silence fills the space between them for a while and then:

“Do you, perhaps, want to try it again with me?”

It is as if time has stopped when Taeyong hears the words slip out of his first love’s mouth. He freezes and keeps his expression blank. He keeps quiet as his mind begins to race.

Once upon a time, those words were all he had ever wanted to hear. He wanted it so badly. Heck, he would kill for it. Yet, as soon as Yuta utters the words, Taeyong feels empty. A part of him wants to say yes, because he waited a long time to hear those words again. However, the rational part of him realises that this is not what he wants anymore.

He wanted it, once upon a time. Not anymore.

He opens his mouth to reply but Yuta beats him to it. Perhaps, his first love already reads the words in his eyes or he can sense the rejection that is about to leave his lips. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked that,” he says as sadness pools in his eyes.

Taeyong smiles sadly in response at the person he once loved until he could not breathe. He admires the beautiful face he once wished he would wake up next to every day. All he feels is sadness.

“I’m sorry,” he says apologetically.

Lee Taeyong is not the same person he once was two years ago. He does not crave for the love he had anymore. Loving Yuta and losing him had taught him a lot of things.

 

_Loving you was young, and wild, and free._

_Loving you was cool, and hot, and sweet._

_Loving you was sunshine, safe and sound,_

_A steady place to let down my defences._

_But loving you had consequences._

Loving Yuta was one of the most beautiful things he had ever experienced, he could not deny that. The feelings that he felt were overwhelming and he was truly _happy_. He thought that he could not be happy again after he lost the love of his life but he was wrong. He is perfectly fine on his own now despite it taking a long time for him to move on.

Loving Yuta took his breath away. It was wonderful and everything sweet he wished for.

 

_Loving you was dumb, dark and cheap._

_Loving you will still take shots at me._

_From loving you was sunshine, but then it poured,_

_And I lost so much more than my senses._

_‘Cause loving you had consequences._

Loving Yuta was painful. How could it not be when Taeyong knew he would never be the person Yuta loves the most? The wounds that Yuta inflicted on him had already healed yet they left behind scars that would never fade. Loving Yuta made him feel suffocated by the sheer amount of love he felt. It was almost obsessive because he knew he would never be Yuta’s first priority. And it hurt.

Taeyong has had enough of half-assed love. He does not deserve to be with someone who would never look at him and only him.

Even though their love started off as beautiful, eventually, the sun gave way for the rain to pour. Taeyong does not think he wants to experience that again. Once is enough.

So, he walks away with no regrets.

 

 


End file.
